To say I'm back seems a bit premature. I went on an unplanned hiatus. It started small, skipped one day, skipped a week, thought about the blog, thought about updating every time something major/minor happened and next thing you know it's been weeks since I last updated you all on my victories, struggles and weight.
Today I asked myself "Am I doing the best I can for today?" and realized the answer was no. Now I'm being a little harsh on myself simply because I haven't been awake for 1.5 hours just yet but there are steps I could take to make sure I am doing the best I can for today.
Things are good, my life is good, so why do I feel empty inside?
Hubby's schedule at work changed so his hours were from 4:00pm to 1:00am and now as of the second week in august he's 2:00pm to 11:00pm for the next 2.5 months. I don't sleep much, it's not that I don't want to, it's because my mind races about all the possibilities of the day or I'm thinking too much of what needs to be done, or worse I'm having a hate on for myself. So sleep is good but ever since I was a child I've never been a sleeper, I get some rest and I'm off to my wiles.
Now as for my weight, I went down to 239, back up and maintained to 245 but went on a bread binge (and salami) yesterday so I'm 250 this morning. Ugh not good. But I don't hate myself for that. Which brings to mind what I realized yesterday. If I'm not eating well, I'm not feeling good about my life (or vice versa) it's all connected. So I need to fix my soul STAT. I'm praying, I've been praying to God for the last 2-3 days to help me and take the ick nast out of my soul.
My mother-in-law is coming this Sunday for a week, we've never met before though we've spoken on the phone a lot since I've been with hubby which is just short of 3 years. I think/hope we'll get along. She arrives Sunday while hubby is at work so we'll have 8 hours to get to know each other.
If I can get a ride tomorrow I will be doing groceries and going back to buying South Beach Food so I can find my mojo and continue down the losing path. Hubby takes the car to work so I'm without one which is OK I guess, it saves me money and calories that I don't have access to a car.
I feel yukky today, spiritually and emotionally that is which is why I guess I'm posting because I need to get it out. Thanks to those of you who have wondered where I've been in the last while, my family is OK, I'm OK, life is good, I'm just a recovering alcoholic who needs to constantly work on her spiritual self in order to feel good. I've got 9 years and 9 months of sobriety, you'd think I'd get the hang of it by now but no, it's a daily process.
Oh and no I haven't been taking my Optivite so I must get back to that too. I hate pills, just the smell of them makes me cringe but I've noticed a difference in myself since I stopped taking them, I'm more emotional, more sensitive, more everything that is not positive.
Oh and as a side note, I have NOT gone back to sugar (yay) in spite of any binges I've had, sugar has not won, it's like I know if I do the sugar binge I'm f*cked so I stay away from it like I stay away from alcohol.
Thanks for stopping by!
Sassle
I want to start by thanking all of you who have checked up on me. I'm fine, really I am. I've put on weight, see the association? I stopped blogging I started gaining, imagine if that was the solution, I think it is because this blog makes me accountable when I'm not accountable well the results are there. Another thing this blog does it gives me the opportunity to vent about my feelings. Feelings of failure, feelings of disgust towards myself, feelings of confusion as to how with all that I know did I allow myself to get back up to 258 pounds!!!
