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Tuesday, November 4, 2008


I write this at 4:00 am due to a terrible night of sleep with tummy problems and a stuffed nose. My system is all messed up and I think its effecting me emotionally as well. But that's for another time, onto today's topic.

So we took the granddaughter out for Halloween and allow me to tell you that I am embarrassed on so many levels. Why I decided that it was perfectly alright to go out without dying my roots (they were really bad) but I put my hair in a pulled back pony and had no makeup on. Hubby took pics, I'm not sure if it was to shock me or if his intentions were genuine but my butt was huge, I looked worse I swear then my pics posted here on the site. I am fat, no I am morbidly obese. I look terrible but that's nothing, I could barely walk, my lower back hurt, my breathing was horrific and to top off the evening I celebrated by eating half a bag of white powdered donuts (hubby bought them for me).

Why am I still doing this to myself, I panic because of my health and if it weren't for my faith in my Higher Power I would probably worry even more. Has it even occurred to me to pray to God for help on this matter, no it hasn't I should right now.

God, I offer myself to You--to build with me and to do with me as You will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Your Power, Your Love, and Your Way of Life. May I do Your will always!

This prayer has so much power if its used and if I pray to God to have me live his will, but I realize that I am not doing my 3rd step prayer and doing God's will, I'm doing Sassle's will.

The photos taken were one thing but I have to say I felt horrible, I couldn't wait until we could go back into the car and go home every step we took was hell on my back and lungs and my granddaughter wanted me to go with her up the stairs which I did but I didn't want to, that's no fun for me nor for her.

Why am I still doing this to myself?

"This blog is so much more then writing about my weight loss journey it has become an extension in helping me know who I am and who I can be."