Catching up with old friends...

I decided to play catch up today and read a few weight loss blogs that I am currently following.  I noticed there were others like me, who haven't posted in either months and a few hadn't posted in 2 years.  It made me feel sad, I wanted to say hey why didn't you tell us you were leaving, but then again I certainly made no announcements when I stopped writing.  So I do understand but I feel a sense of loss, as though I lost a dear friend.  The good news is that there are many bloggers who have continued sharing their journeys with us and I'm grateful for them, they continue to inspire me, show me that if they can do it, I can do it too!

So here's to a great 2011 may we all find success in what we are seeking!

Thanks for stopping by!

Sassle

Decisions, Decisions...

I've gotten myself in quite the mess, or at least that's my interpretation of the situation. Next month I am throwing my husband a party to celebrate his 50th birthday. I am excited for him, he deserves to be honored and cherished by his family and friends. Now being the self-involved ego minded person that I am is dreading the part where his family comes and visits and sees fat me. Now even if I were to diet successfully for the next 30 days and drop 20 or 25 pounds for that matter (I'm that big) I still would not be his skinny wife (I'll take healthy wife for $500 Alex).

Now I know better, I really do, I'm a firm believer in the Law of the Universe. If I think that I will fail, well darn it I will and if I feel that I will succeed I will. So it's time to change my frame of mind again.

Since stopping the ever successful South Beach Diet which was probably the most successful plan of my life except for the Weight Watchers point system, I have put on all my weight back *hangs head down in shame* but I need to refocus on what's important.

Right now I'm working on my ebay store (I will not share the link here) I am writing an ebook (I might share the link here) and planning a 50th birthday party, creating a video for my husbands party a sort of this is your life theme (I run a business creating photo montages) and fighting temptation to eat easy fatty foods.

I finally have my husband off my back when I choose to buy cake and you know what he doesn't say anything other than snide "jokes" as he calls them. Or he gives me a look, you know the one, he has a smile on his face but a sad smile like you could be so much if only you'd beat this stupid monkey off your back kind of smile. This of course is my projection of his smile, it might just be nothing.

I'm thinking of starting the new Weight Watchers Points Plus program, 3 months will cost me $65 and I'm really tempted to give it a go, but will I do it? Do I want to invest in $165 right now ($100 for food) when I need better winter boots (saw some at $25) and more thermal underwear ($10) hmm... for $200 I could have it all!! haha

Winter expenses on the farm are more expensive, we now have higher bills because someone moved out, oil needs to be bought soon, electric is high and I want to join Weight Watchers. Ok I'll stop whining.

Thanks for listening!

Please come back for more...

Sassle!

Where I am headed...

“You must not under any pretense allow your mind to dwell on any thought that is not positive, constructive, optimistic, kind.” ~Emmet Fox

Well it's been a really fun ride for the last 4 months since my last post. I'm quite surprised I have any followers left and for those of you who still come to visit to make sure I'm alright, thank you very much.



So far I've managed to keep 15 pounds off from last year. Yes I ate my feelings and a few other people's feelings as well. I'm back and I'm ok. I'm growing in new ways as well, I have found a spirituality that I lacked for so long. I've always had faith in a power greater then myself but not like I have now. But that's for another day, another time because I will share with you the journey.



Hubby and I have decided to go back to the South Beach Diet. It's just the way it should be, at least for us it is. I admit to do comparison reports between the SBD, Flat Belly Diet and Weight Watcher's core. I think SBD is it for me. I just don't like Phase 1 which is the first two weeks, and that is total BS because when I was on it, I didn't want to stop Phase 1, I loved it, felt safe following it, lost weight and felt great. So what's the big deal. Bad habits die hard, but alas I will not let me ego get in the way of what works for me which is the South Beach Diet.

I'll be posting again, I need to find the list of foods that we need and go to the grocers sometime today to pick up the food. Hubby is all gung ho too so it should do both our body and souls good.

Thanks for stopping by!
Sassle!

Has it been that long already...

I'm stressed, our living conditions are stressful which is causing me stress. Now I am responsible for my own feelings, how I react to things, my attitude and I know I'm to be grateful but gosh darn it I'm feeling very stressed over everything.

Now for the good stuff, I just got my 10 year AA chip last month (yayness!) yes I celebrated 10 years of continuous sobriety and I am very proud of myself which is why I don't get why on earth I am acting like a newcomer and a spoiled brat. Oh I know why it because I'm scared; good ole fear does me in every single time.

Now let me back up a bit...

Current weight with clothes on (sweatshirt, sweat pants, socks et al) 270lbs (good God I know, I know).

I am selling my 2 horses because of our current living arrangement (long story).

I'm in a major distrust mode because of our current living arrangement, you see I live on a beautiful farm, I rent and my landlord well lets just say he's not someone we trust, we have no lease and well he's not an honest man by any means. Things are coming to a head because of the new tenant that lives downstairs who goes way back with the landlord and wants our place... time will tell... Now please note I am an alcoholic so all this thought activity is going on in my head which means, a lot of this is projection on my part (I have a magnifying mind) however, my little voice (intuition) tells me it is so.

I'm addicted to sugar, yes I know we've already covered this but I am seriously addicted to the stuff as I am addicted to alcohol, I have to leave the sugar and certain carbs behind. I'm considering doing some online OA meetings (Overeater's Anonymous) because meetings and the 12 steps of AA help me with my drinking so I'm thinking meetings and the 12 steps of OA will help me with my binging.

I do apologize for being all over the place with this post, it's not intentional it's the way my brain has been working as of late.

Thanks for coming by!

God Bless

Sassle!

At least I'm maintaining!

This is how I feel as of late though I'm getting much better at it. Ok let's start with the weight of the issue, I've maintained my 258 which is ok but scary because I maintained 245 forever and well we know how that worked out for me.

I've been working extra hard these days; hubby hates his job and that's with a capital H. I'm doing some online work and have been making it a success for approximately give or take one year. I've stepped things up on that forefront and honestly believe I can make a success at this venture, all I need is time. Who doesn't need time?!

I am the proud owner of 2 dogs, a black lab/chessie mix who will soon be one years old and a six month old mini dachshund, oh did I mention I have 2 cats who hate the dogs. So I being the chicken sh!t that I am and not wanting my lab to hurt the cats have been taking said animals out but first I must gate the cats then get the dogs outside, spend time with them, bring them back up and bla bla bla. I Sassle complicate my life but I really don't know a better way to acclimate them to each other. I'm told it takes time so time I'll take.

Now let's talk diet/health plan/exercise hmm I've not dieted, I appreciate all the kind words of support from everyone. I tell you this has been harder then I thought it would be which is why I don't like to permit myself little extras when I'm following a plan because I go berserk when I do so. I'm considering following Weight Watchers again or just sticking with what I know which is counting calories and eating the South Beach way. How many calories would I be allowed? Let me go see; according to Myfitness Pal I should consume 1500 calories/day and according to Sparke People I should consume anywhere in between 1230 to 1580 calories/day. So I'll stick with what Spark People tell me because it seems doable and will keep my body guessing a la calorie cycling way.

Ok so when do I start this wonderful plan? Um... Tomorrow?!

Dang it! I know, I know I should start it now... but I'm not ready. How do I know I'll be ready tomorrow? Well I'll tell you what, I will (not try) I will blog what I plan on eating tomorrow sometime today. I have to, I must at the very least attempt to. Some how I don't feel very honest with myself but I'll try to prove myself wrong.

That's it for now! I'll be back...

Thanks for coming back!

Sassle!

Spiritual Awakening and what am I going to do with it?

Growth, yes I'm growing in all ways; spiritually, weight wise and in family size. NO I'm not pregnant, but we have a new puppy, a beautiful miniature dachshund and his name is Harley.

Yesterday was a turning point for me since I"ve relapsed on my health plan. You see I bought a cake, a Sara Lee Vanilla Bean Cake and I ate the whole thing in 2 sittings. But the thing that shook me up the most was the craving that I had, it reminded me of when I used to drink (going on 10 years sobriety this November) the urge to eat that cake and everything else was unimportant. It was scary, it reminded me of an article I read about Transference of Addictions. Now I can say that's what I did, I think I never wanted to admit it because it sort of represents that I failed. I mean I have close to 10 years sobriety and yet if I"m transferring my addiction I haven't healed at all or I"m not dealing with the real issues at hand. What are they? I don't know. Am I working the 12 steps like I should? I believe I have to speak to my sponsor about this so I can get back on track. Come to think of it I must take away my original comment above about growing spiritually, I can't possibly be growing spiritually if I'm transferring my addiction. Sheesh I'm coming clean with myself aren't I? I think this is what they mean by having a spiritual awakening because something clicked inside of me when I woke up and when I decided to share this with my Sassle world.

The questions are the same though, what will I do with this "knowledge" and why am I still struggling even though I'm "working" a 12 step program. What am I missing? What have I not worked on?

Sorry for the confused writing, I'm all over the place with this as my mind is full of clutter.

Thanks for stopping by!

Sassle

Sassle Update!

I want to start by thanking all of you who have checked up on me. I'm fine, really I am. I've put on weight, see the association? I stopped blogging I started gaining, imagine if that was the solution, I think it is because this blog makes me accountable when I'm not accountable well the results are there. Another thing this blog does it gives me the opportunity to vent about my feelings. Feelings of failure, feelings of disgust towards myself, feelings of confusion as to how with all that I know did I allow myself to get back up to 258 pounds!!!

As I write this I already feel better, I'm amongst friends, I can share my thoughts and feelings towards weight loss and know that I'm not alone. So why did I leave? I work long hours, summer brought me out of doors and life happened, all the while knowing Sassle was being neglected but knew deep down inside I would go back to her because she is my alter ego.

I turned 44 years old 2.5 weeks ago, it was a wonderful birthday, I had managed up until last week to maintain 248 lbs no matter what I did then suddenly I passed the 250 then the 255 and well I'm 258 who knows if this keeps up when I'll hit 260 and up.

So I'm back, I need to be back, I need to come back to this blog where I feel most at home. I have lots to share, lots to tell but that will take some time. I missed reading your blogs, seeing how your lives, successes and struggles are going. I"ll catch up and keep you posted on a regular basis.

Thanks for caring, thanks for stopping by! I missed you all!

Sassle :)