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Friday, May 29, 2009

I can see the change

Yesterday, when I was posting my "after" pics I was looking for my pics taken on the 1st of April and through that I found some pics of me at my biggest weight. Seeing myself at that weight blew my mind because I have changed, I can see it. I can see the small changes here and there but seeing that photo of me on Halloween 2008 took my breath away. Yes, Sassle was a big girl, she has a husband, she is loved and loves back but there was no way she was happy, not really happy. This is not to say weight should change the way I feel about myself but personally it did for me. I hated who I was, I hated the way I looked, I hated the way I felt. That's too much hate.

I remember when I first joined AA and read The Promises I wondered if I could use AA as a way to lose weight. The rest as they say is history, I've grown in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I've grown as a woman emotionally and spiritually. I feel better about myself, more confident, sexier and I like myself. I'm not totally in love with myself just yet, God and I are working on that and as I continue to grow spiritually the rest will come in God's time not mine. I must remember God does not make junk, therefore I am not junk, I am a beautiful sassy woman (just ask my husband).

When I first saw this pic I wanted to cry, I actually did cry. I couldn't for the life of me believe that my husband ever loved me. I hated that girl in the picture even though she seems happy enough, she's smiling on the outside was she crying on the inside. I couldn't even climb down the stairs then much less up them. My granddaughter had to hold my hand that night. Now of course it doesn't help that I didn't fix my hair, nor did I put on any makeup so it's not a fair assessment of what I looked like on a good day, but that day I looked terrible.

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When hubby and I got home last night after our meeting, I showed him these pictures, he said "yeah baby you were big" I asked him how could he love me like that and I proceeded to call myself all sorts of names, his reply "don't talk about my wife that way, I love you the way you are on the inside, you're a good passionate woman, I love you for you". I was stunned, I still am.

I am now treating this photo as a NSV because I can officially say that I am not this woman today. I also think that in spite of my morbid obesity I was smiling in the pic so I must have been happy that day. I do recall that day was the first time in my life (and my granddaughter's life) that we both saw a shooting star (I used to think they were myths) so that day is special because I shared something with her.

I have a whole bunch of photos at my biggest weight, they seem to fascinate me in some morbid way, perhaps because I've started on the path of losing weight and now I can reflect on who I was and who I am. I've changed in so many ways and who do I credit nobody else but God.

The pants I wore in that picture are now out of my closet with about 25 other pair of pants that I'm donating to charity. I don't want my big clothes here anymore because I don't want to use them as a crutch, it's time to say goodbye.

Thanks for stopping by!


8 comments:

Martha said...

You have lost SO MUCH weight already and I am so proud of you!! You're a completely different woman, inside and out :) keep up the wonderful work!!!! <3

Hanlie said...

Wow! You have come a long, long way. And your husband sounds like an absolute gem!

I was just saying this morning that my jeans are falling off, and I wanted to give both pairs in this size away, but I'm going to keep one pair as "before" pants!

Annalisa201 said...

awww... beautifly written. You aren't that person any more and we're so thankful. You are amazing and it goes to show that God thinks so too :) Keep up the good job. It's not easy, but we're getting there, aren't we :)

Sassle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sharon said...

Sassle, what a wonderful post. I started to tear up as I read the first part about the self loathing, because that's how I feel about myself right now. I'm the biggest I've ever been. I, too, have a great husband, who loves me, but I can't understand why, because I find it so hard to love myself, especially when I'm around people.

The rest of the post about how far you've come and your giving credit to God is truly inspirational. Thank you for sharing your pictures and your story. I know I'm not alone in the struggle. Have a wonderful weekend! :)

Christine said...

Congratulations ((hugs))

What a beautiful post and what a beautiful journey, thanks for sharing this. It's very inspiring. <3

mommie2lea said...

I can see a huge difference in your Before and Afters! You are looking great. And I understand what you mean about seeing pictures of yourself at your highest and feeling downright unlovable. But that is only looking through your eyes.

Great job!!!

Mama Bear June said...

Goodbye to the big clothes! I've got several bags ready for a charity pick up, too. Yay! Love what your hubby said. He sounds like a keeper. ;-) I was getting my summer clothes out and put the 16s up by the 12s. The difference was pretty surprising.
Path to Health

"This blog is so much more then writing about my weight loss journey it has become an extension in helping me know who I am and who I can be."

Sassle