Yesterday, when I was posting my "after" pics I was looking for my pics taken on the 1st of April and through that I found some pics of me at my biggest weight. Seeing myself at that weight blew my mind because I have changed, I can see it. I can see the small changes here and there but seeing that photo of me on Halloween 2008 took my breath away. Yes, Sassle was a big girl, she has a husband, she is loved and loves back but there was no way she was happy, not really happy. This is not to say weight should change the way I feel about myself but personally it did for me. I hated who I was, I hated the way I looked, I hated the way I felt. That's too much hate.
I remember when I first joined AA and read The Promises I wondered if I could use AA as a way to lose weight. The rest as they say is history, I've grown in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I've grown as a woman emotionally and spiritually. I feel better about myself, more confident, sexier and I like myself. I'm not totally in love with myself just yet, God and I are working on that and as I continue to grow spiritually the rest will come in God's time not mine. I must remember God does not make junk, therefore I am not junk, I am a beautiful sassy woman (just ask my husband).
When I first saw this pic I wanted to cry, I actually did cry. I couldn't for the life of me believe that my husband ever loved me. I hated that girl in the picture even though she seems happy enough, she's smiling on the outside was she crying on the inside. I couldn't even climb down the stairs then much less up them. My granddaughter had to hold my hand that night. Now of course it doesn't help that I didn't fix my hair, nor did I put on any makeup so it's not a fair assessment of what I looked like on a good day, but that day I looked terrible.
When hubby and I got home last night after our meeting, I showed him these pictures, he said "yeah baby you were big" I asked him how could he love me like that and I proceeded to call myself all sorts of names, his reply "don't talk about my wife that way, I love you the way you are on the inside, you're a good passionate woman, I love you for you". I was stunned, I still am.
I am now treating this photo as a NSV because I can officially say that I am not this woman today. I also think that in spite of my morbid obesity I was smiling in the pic so I must have been happy that day. I do recall that day was the first time in my life (and my granddaughter's life) that we both saw a shooting star (I used to think they were myths) so that day is special because I shared something with her.
I have a whole bunch of photos at my biggest weight, they seem to fascinate me in some morbid way, perhaps because I've started on the path of losing weight and now I can reflect on who I was and who I am. I've changed in so many ways and who do I credit nobody else but God.
The pants I wore in that picture are now out of my closet with about 25 other pair of pants that I'm donating to charity. I don't want my big clothes here anymore because I don't want to use them as a crutch, it's time to say goodbye.
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