Some Positive Changes

I write because I cannot sleep, I am one of those people that when I'm tired I must go to sleep right away, no lallygagging, no talking, nothing, I must get to sleep if not my brain starts working, the Ego starts talking and all hell breaks loose. I'm not only awake but I'm either suffering a panic attack about my health or I'm thinking about work, hubby, the cats, the horses (do you think they're cold) it's just not good.

I was rather pleased to see some people read the Exsay post and leave behind a comment or two, I didn't know what to expect, I thought perhaps I put people off, maybe I did but some agree it's an important topic, we as obese or formally obese women have different issues then the average weight woman (not skinny, average weight).

Now on to the reason I started writing this post, I have lost 0 pounds as of today, I have not gained which is rather good and the positive changes I have started to make which I'm sure will show up on the scale in due time are minor but positive. I stopped eating anything with sugar after 6:00pm, that change alone has helped me immensely with the anxiety/panic attacks.

Sugar seems to inspire me to not only climb the walls but fuels the Ego into thinking all sorts of things concerning my health. When I eat high doses of sugar which can consist of ice cream sundae with the works I swear to you I can almost feel it surge through my blood. I don't like that feeling, it reminds me of when I had my gallbladder surgery years ago and they gave me morphine for the pain, I felt it go through my blood and that's how sugar is starting to feel for me.

I cut my nighttime snacking into half, which means after dinner I don't snack half the time and when I do, it might be a bowl of Cheerios or a P/B & J sandwich which again is so much better then what I used to do. Hubby and I used to make pancakes or french toast with tons of butter and syrup.

Which reminds me there is no more butter in my home, after my mother-in-law had a heart attack and she confessed that she ate tons of butter on everything we decided to cut it right out, we now use Promise® Buttery Spread now it doesn't taste the same as butter but the damage butter does is no longer worth it for me. Sometimes I don't use any spread, hubby has been known to put mayo/salad dressing on bread instead of butter but I don't know how good that is.

So, even though I'm not on a diet right now (such a dirty word diet is) I'm feeling good, I'm feeling as though I'm headed in the right direction. If I could just stop my occasional panic attacks about my health I think all will be well in the end. I'm feeling closer to actually wanting it for myself, not for hubby but for me. The New Year promises lots of travel for me, visiting my parents for a month and having my in-laws here for a month so I want to feel good and confident when these two visits occur.

That's it for now, thanks for stopping by!

Sassle Smarticus!

PR: wait... I: wait... L: wait... LD: wait... I: wait... wait... C: wait... SD: wait...

Exsay

Yeah good ole Pig Latin. I've got a question to ask all big girls and former big girls, it's about sex. Now I'm keeping in mind that this question is private in nature so I will post poll where you can answer anonymously (or you can be anonymous within the comments section).

What position do you and your spouse use for sexual relations? I ask because I'm a large girl and find that the missionary position is too difficult for me, I'm not in shape nor as bendy as I would like to be, my left inner thigh hurts so you get the point it's hard and embarrassing.

I understand that this is a private question but I don't think these things are discussed much, not for large or morbidly large women that is. Do you enjoy it like you used to when you were smaller, is your size holding you back? Are you taking initiative or is your better half? Are you even having sexual relations anymore?

I ask all these questions because it's important for me to know that I Sassle am not alone in my sexual insecurities.

Now if nobody answers these questions that's ok, I totally understand.

Thanks for dropping by!

Sassle!

I'm still here!

After spending a lovely weekend with family it's surprising that I feel so down. My stepdaughter came over with the grandchildren and we had a grand old time (pardon the pun). I had McDonald's probably twice along with other terrible foods. My cookie dough craving came out of nowhere since I've never had cookie dough in my entire life. So I had to have a cookie dough blizzard from DQ's. I had their delicious chicken in a basket and well no need to go into ugly details I ate like it was my last meal. If I keep it up it just might be.

Aunt Flo arrived and she's heavier then she's been in years, hubby is obsessed with an online game that he plays all hours into the night and well I procrastinate whenever I can about life's important decisions. All this and me binging is making me very sad. I didn't want this blog to be a sad blog, I wanted it to be pro-active but the reality is this is how I feel right now.

I looked out the window today and saw my horses and thought why on earth am I inside the house, why am I sitting on the computer when its a beautiful sunny fall day outside? How can I motivate myself to be pro-active about my health? Why am I sabotaging myself like this? I'm sure I"ll be fine in a few days, once in awhile I get the blues, I'm sure a nice hot shower in clean bed sheets with a good book might do the trick.

I have a deadline tomorrow, I can't screw it up, especially since the visit from my family this past weekend put me way behind in my work so I'm also adding stress to my yukky feelings of self worth but I can do it, I have to do it, I should be doing it now.

Enough of the yukky post, I just wanted you all to know that I'm still around, not quitting, not giving up and I'm still blogging...

Thanks for dropping by...

Sassle!

All's quiet!

I'm exhausted tonight, we had a late dinner and I'm guessing it's just sitting there in my gut waiting for me to go lay down and cause me grief like heartburn or nightmares. Oh well, I'm still up trying to digest my dinner and then I will promptly go to bed because I'm exhausted (did I say that already).

I seriously got inspired today by seeing a blog, her before and after pics were fantastic and it gave me so much hope that all is possible. The weird part is I don't know how I found her, I clicked on someone else's profile and I found her blog, hmm weird or maybe just maybe I was meant to see that blog today to be inspired. Maybe my Higher Power fixed it so that I would see that blog, I don't know what's important is that I did and its inspired me immensely.

I don't have much to say right now, I'm guessing the fact that I'm tired has something to do with it but I have some ideas on the back burner that I'll start writing about tomorrow.

Thanks for dropping by!

Sassle

Satisfied Woman Here!

Well all in all I would call today a success on so many levels. I'm getting quite a few visitors to this site reading my blog and that's a very good thing. I've changed for the umpteenth time my layout and title (still not satisfied). Do you know what I'm really looking for? Illustrations like this I absolutely love her work! I love the style of the illustrations and one day I'll get enough money together and have Leelou design my blog for me, that's a promise I'm making to myself.

Food wise I'd say is somewhat of a success. I had cereal for breaky, an ice cream sandwich as a snack, I had a cheese sandwich and frozen dinner for lunch and then spaghetti and meat sauce for dinner. Now why do I call this a success because I never felt the urge to binge, except that time when I had to throw out some leftover mac and cheese w/wieners I so wanted to just gobble it all down but I didn't. I threw everything out (but the 3 pieces of wiener). I consider all this a small but definite success, even though its going over my allotted calories of 1500-1800 per day.

I did lots around the house, it's looking organized and clean. I still have stuff to do but I'm feeling OK with everything right now. It's like even though I went over the amount of food I was allowed for the day, I'm not letting it control my mood, I ate and moved on! Speaking of moving on, I've got to start exercising, at the very least I have to go for a walk every day. I live on a beautiful farm so I have no excuses I can walk all day long if I want. I should start small since I'm so out of shape, perhaps go see the horses on the hour (they'll appreciate it and I get a walk in) or walk around the perimeters of the house every hour, something that will make me move!

So I'll leave it at that for now, thanks for dropping by!

Sassle!

Ok, so I don't take to suggestions too well.

I was going to write about something else; my day, how it went, how I felt, but something just came up so I'll share then I have a question for you.

What's on my mind now is me, the hubby and food. I feel as though he watches everything I eat and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Maybe I'm wrong but I'll give you the scenario. Hubby and I eat late, we always have no problem there I guess. Today I took out some sausage patties and some potatoes to eat for dinner. But we had no bread (or shall I say hubby needed cigarettes). So off we went to our local grocer and he saw these sausages links, something called old fashioned sausages. I wasn't really in the mood because I want to be satisfied and these didn't look very satisfying to me, but we ended up buying the sausage links anyway. Hubby announces at the cash that all we'll eat are 3 each, but I don't know what I'll eat yet and I don't like someone else telling me what I can and should eat. So it puts me in a bad mood because if I dare have four I look like a pig. I announce I want 4 (hey I'm a daredevil that way) and hubby looks at me with a look I can't describe cuz I can't read his mind. We go home and are all playful and he says "are you sure you want four?", I said "yes I'm sure." but there's something that is either eating at me about this or him I can't put my finger on it. So I go straight into defensive mode and start telling him how I feel he decides what I should and shouldn't eat and watches me ad nauseum, he replies "I can't do this anymore, you share your feelings with me but I can't say anything. I don't want to know about it anymore then, I can go without the fighting". So I just walked away and said fine to him and that I don't want anything to eat.

Is it just me? Is it PMS? Am I the only one who this happens to? I feel so defensive when it comes to eating in front of him sometimes. I don't like someone telling me what I should or shouldn't eat. He said, we talk about moderation but you want four. So what mister, and it makes me feel like I'm being judged and most importantly by him. I'm probably wrong.

Please tell me if I'm the only one who feels this way, defensive about her eating habits especially with a spouse/boyfriend/mom etc...

Any feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks for dropping by!

Sassle

Chairs and Toilets who'd a thought!

Look at this chair, just take a look, it seems like your average lawn chair right? Look you even have a place to put your water or pop. It looks like a fantastic and practical chair all around except when you're morbidly obese, it's a very scary thing.

I decided to go to the party with my husband, I found a ride there so I didn't have to drive (I don't like to drive, I really need to create a blog just based on all my fears). So my first challenge was not the chair, no it was a buffet of good food. I took salad but you know the kind of salad they served; potato, macaroni, green been and so much more fatty foods. But I ate them slowly (whilst fighting wasps for my food at the same time) and then came the desert. I have yet to turn down a desert in my life I'm not ready just yet. So I asked hubby to get me some desert knowing full well he'd be moderate about choosing sweets for me whereas I would be a glutton. He brings me this rice krispies square with a high ratio of sugar and a brownie. I don't like rice krispy treats but I being a sugar addict started with that one. It was good, once I finished I went for the brownie but I felt that little sugar rush, you know what I mean, where the sugar starts searing through your blood and you feel like you could hit a physical peak. So I did the one thing I've never done before, I gave my husband my brownie and said no more desert for me, I remembered too well the cheeseburger caramel pie fiasco and I don't ever want to feel like that again.

Now back to the ever practical lawn chair, poor hubby is offering me a seat beside him, but I'm petrified of sitting on it because what if I break it, what if I can't fit inside the chair, what if it rips. So I avoid sitting for hours, my feet were sore and I could barely stand it, then I saw a woman who looked to be my size (maybe bigger, maybe smaller, my perception is really off where size is concerned) and she sat in a chair just like that. I thought hmm, she didn't break it, it handled her weight, so I'll give it a shot, so I proceeded to sit in the chair and did not miraculously break it, BUT! I had to get out of the chair now didn't I. The handles were of soft material so that was not a pretty sight and I truly believe the both times that I sat down on those chairs when I got up I heard a ripping sound but I pretended I didn't hear it.

There were so many uncomfortable moments for me at this party, so many normal reasons to want to be thin. I'll finish with this, I had to go to the bathroom, it was so small (or I was so big) I had to sit on the toilet on an angle and well it wasn't a pretty site. I felt like a giant on a kiddies toilet. I would need one of those Great John Toilets for plus sized people.

All I'm saying is that after yesterday's party I saw so many more reasons to be thin, reasons that are important for normal function in the world like sitting and going to the bathroom. I rode with hubby on his Harley and almost pulled a muscle trying to get on the bike. It's not fun and its quite humbling and humiliating all at the same time.

Oh, before I forget as soon as I arrived at the party, this woman said to me "God you're beautiful", I was so shocked I said "pardon me?" and she said "You are absolutely beautiful". I thanked her and walked away, I wouldn't have minded continuing the conversation on my beauty but didn't find it really appropriate. :-D

I'm off to revise my list on the reasons to be thin and thanks for dropping by.

Sassle!