Has it been that long already...

I'm stressed, our living conditions are stressful which is causing me stress. Now I am responsible for my own feelings, how I react to things, my attitude and I know I'm to be grateful but gosh darn it I'm feeling very stressed over everything.

Now for the good stuff, I just got my 10 year AA chip last month (yayness!) yes I celebrated 10 years of continuous sobriety and I am very proud of myself which is why I don't get why on earth I am acting like a newcomer and a spoiled brat. Oh I know why it because I'm scared; good ole fear does me in every single time.

Now let me back up a bit...

Current weight with clothes on (sweatshirt, sweat pants, socks et al) 270lbs (good God I know, I know).

I am selling my 2 horses because of our current living arrangement (long story).

I'm in a major distrust mode because of our current living arrangement, you see I live on a beautiful farm, I rent and my landlord well lets just say he's not someone we trust, we have no lease and well he's not an honest man by any means. Things are coming to a head because of the new tenant that lives downstairs who goes way back with the landlord and wants our place... time will tell... Now please note I am an alcoholic so all this thought activity is going on in my head which means, a lot of this is projection on my part (I have a magnifying mind) however, my little voice (intuition) tells me it is so.

I'm addicted to sugar, yes I know we've already covered this but I am seriously addicted to the stuff as I am addicted to alcohol, I have to leave the sugar and certain carbs behind. I'm considering doing some online OA meetings (Overeater's Anonymous) because meetings and the 12 steps of AA help me with my drinking so I'm thinking meetings and the 12 steps of OA will help me with my binging.

I do apologize for being all over the place with this post, it's not intentional it's the way my brain has been working as of late.

Thanks for coming by!

God Bless

Sassle!

At least I'm maintaining!

This is how I feel as of late though I'm getting much better at it. Ok let's start with the weight of the issue, I've maintained my 258 which is ok but scary because I maintained 245 forever and well we know how that worked out for me.

I've been working extra hard these days; hubby hates his job and that's with a capital H. I'm doing some online work and have been making it a success for approximately give or take one year. I've stepped things up on that forefront and honestly believe I can make a success at this venture, all I need is time. Who doesn't need time?!

I am the proud owner of 2 dogs, a black lab/chessie mix who will soon be one years old and a six month old mini dachshund, oh did I mention I have 2 cats who hate the dogs. So I being the chicken sh!t that I am and not wanting my lab to hurt the cats have been taking said animals out but first I must gate the cats then get the dogs outside, spend time with them, bring them back up and bla bla bla. I Sassle complicate my life but I really don't know a better way to acclimate them to each other. I'm told it takes time so time I'll take.

Now let's talk diet/health plan/exercise hmm I've not dieted, I appreciate all the kind words of support from everyone. I tell you this has been harder then I thought it would be which is why I don't like to permit myself little extras when I'm following a plan because I go berserk when I do so. I'm considering following Weight Watchers again or just sticking with what I know which is counting calories and eating the South Beach way. How many calories would I be allowed? Let me go see; according to Myfitness Pal I should consume 1500 calories/day and according to Sparke People I should consume anywhere in between 1230 to 1580 calories/day. So I'll stick with what Spark People tell me because it seems doable and will keep my body guessing a la calorie cycling way.

Ok so when do I start this wonderful plan? Um... Tomorrow?!

Dang it! I know, I know I should start it now... but I'm not ready. How do I know I'll be ready tomorrow? Well I'll tell you what, I will (not try) I will blog what I plan on eating tomorrow sometime today. I have to, I must at the very least attempt to. Some how I don't feel very honest with myself but I'll try to prove myself wrong.

That's it for now! I'll be back...

Thanks for coming back!

Sassle!

Spiritual Awakening and what am I going to do with it?

Growth, yes I'm growing in all ways; spiritually, weight wise and in family size. NO I'm not pregnant, but we have a new puppy, a beautiful miniature dachshund and his name is Harley.

Yesterday was a turning point for me since I"ve relapsed on my health plan. You see I bought a cake, a Sara Lee Vanilla Bean Cake and I ate the whole thing in 2 sittings. But the thing that shook me up the most was the craving that I had, it reminded me of when I used to drink (going on 10 years sobriety this November) the urge to eat that cake and everything else was unimportant. It was scary, it reminded me of an article I read about Transference of Addictions. Now I can say that's what I did, I think I never wanted to admit it because it sort of represents that I failed. I mean I have close to 10 years sobriety and yet if I"m transferring my addiction I haven't healed at all or I"m not dealing with the real issues at hand. What are they? I don't know. Am I working the 12 steps like I should? I believe I have to speak to my sponsor about this so I can get back on track. Come to think of it I must take away my original comment above about growing spiritually, I can't possibly be growing spiritually if I'm transferring my addiction. Sheesh I'm coming clean with myself aren't I? I think this is what they mean by having a spiritual awakening because something clicked inside of me when I woke up and when I decided to share this with my Sassle world.

The questions are the same though, what will I do with this "knowledge" and why am I still struggling even though I'm "working" a 12 step program. What am I missing? What have I not worked on?

Sorry for the confused writing, I'm all over the place with this as my mind is full of clutter.

Thanks for stopping by!

Sassle

Sassle Update!

I want to start by thanking all of you who have checked up on me. I'm fine, really I am. I've put on weight, see the association? I stopped blogging I started gaining, imagine if that was the solution, I think it is because this blog makes me accountable when I'm not accountable well the results are there. Another thing this blog does it gives me the opportunity to vent about my feelings. Feelings of failure, feelings of disgust towards myself, feelings of confusion as to how with all that I know did I allow myself to get back up to 258 pounds!!!

As I write this I already feel better, I'm amongst friends, I can share my thoughts and feelings towards weight loss and know that I'm not alone. So why did I leave? I work long hours, summer brought me out of doors and life happened, all the while knowing Sassle was being neglected but knew deep down inside I would go back to her because she is my alter ego.

I turned 44 years old 2.5 weeks ago, it was a wonderful birthday, I had managed up until last week to maintain 248 lbs no matter what I did then suddenly I passed the 250 then the 255 and well I'm 258 who knows if this keeps up when I'll hit 260 and up.

So I'm back, I need to be back, I need to come back to this blog where I feel most at home. I have lots to share, lots to tell but that will take some time. I missed reading your blogs, seeing how your lives, successes and struggles are going. I"ll catch up and keep you posted on a regular basis.

Thanks for caring, thanks for stopping by! I missed you all!

Sassle :)

Yes I'm home and good too!

I promise to write tonight! I'm back, I've got stuff to say! I will write!

I'm back and here to stay...

To say I'm back seems a bit premature. I went on an unplanned hiatus. It started small, skipped one day, skipped a week, thought about the blog, thought about updating every time something major/minor happened and next thing you know it's been weeks since I last updated you all on my victories, struggles and weight.

Today I asked myself "Am I doing the best I can for today?" and realized the answer was no. Now I'm being a little harsh on myself simply because I haven't been awake for 1.5 hours just yet but there are steps I could take to make sure I am doing the best I can for today.

Things are good, my life is good, so why do I feel empty inside?

Hubby's schedule at work changed so his hours were from 4:00pm to 1:00am and now as of the second week in august he's 2:00pm to 11:00pm for the next 2.5 months. I don't sleep much, it's not that I don't want to, it's because my mind races about all the possibilities of the day or I'm thinking too much of what needs to be done, or worse I'm having a hate on for myself. So sleep is good but ever since I was a child I've never been a sleeper, I get some rest and I'm off to my wiles.

Now as for my weight, I went down to 239, back up and maintained to 245 but went on a bread binge (and salami) yesterday so I'm 250 this morning. Ugh not good. But I don't hate myself for that. Which brings to mind what I realized yesterday. If I'm not eating well, I'm not feeling good about my life (or vice versa) it's all connected. So I need to fix my soul STAT. I'm praying, I've been praying to God for the last 2-3 days to help me and take the ick nast out of my soul.

My mother-in-law is coming this Sunday for a week, we've never met before though we've spoken on the phone a lot since I've been with hubby which is just short of 3 years. I think/hope we'll get along. She arrives Sunday while hubby is at work so we'll have 8 hours to get to know each other.

If I can get a ride tomorrow I will be doing groceries and going back to buying South Beach Food so I can find my mojo and continue down the losing path. Hubby takes the car to work so I'm without one which is OK I guess, it saves me money and calories that I don't have access to a car.

I feel yukky today, spiritually and emotionally that is which is why I guess I'm posting because I need to get it out. Thanks to those of you who have wondered where I've been in the last while, my family is OK, I'm OK, life is good, I'm just a recovering alcoholic who needs to constantly work on her spiritual self in order to feel good. I've got 9 years and 9 months of sobriety, you'd think I'd get the hang of it by now but no, it's a daily process.

Oh and no I haven't been taking my Optivite so I must get back to that too. I hate pills, just the smell of them makes me cringe but I've noticed a difference in myself since I stopped taking them, I'm more emotional, more sensitive, more everything that is not positive.

Oh and as a side note, I have NOT gone back to sugar (yay) in spite of any binges I've had, sugar has not won, it's like I know if I do the sugar binge I'm f*cked so I stay away from it like I stay away from alcohol.

Thanks for stopping by!

Sassle

As the Governor would say... I'll be back!

I'll be posting tomorrow... sorry for the delay... been busy and sort of not much to say (don't laugh it's true)...

Hugs to you all and thanks for caring :)

Sassle