It's an oral fixation type of thing

She had never forgotten that, if you drink much from a bottle marked `poison,' it is almost certain to disagree with you, sooner or later.

Sometimes she scolded herself so severely as to bring tears into her eyes.

~ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND by Lewis Carroll Chapter I

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I'm back, I've been away sort of but not necessarily with my head hung low. You see I had a relapse, not an alcohol one but a food one. I did not eat sugar unless you count the day I had sugar free chocolate pudding (4 portions). I've been eating off program for a week now and I've put on 4 pounds as a result of it. It's not good but believe me when I binge I can put on 20 pounds in a weekend so I will take the 4lbs and smile.

I'm back to the plan as of today. What have I been binging on? peanut butter sandwiches, it's so weird how they would literally call me to eat them. Oh and chili. I think because I ate the peanut butter on healthy whole wheat high fiber bread I didn't do too much damage since it filled me up. Though eating 4 to 6 slices of bread is definitely considered a binge, for me it's still progress. The fact that I would not under any circumstances eat anything sweet is a miracle in itself. I would eat to be full and never enjoyed the feeling. I was missing something orally, I don't smoke and nothing seemed to satisfy me so I had an oral fixation and food seemed the answer. You know what's weird, it never seemed to satisfy me so I know its an emotional thing. Anything bothering me lately? Nothing important other then hubby and I want to move, our rent on the farm just went up $200/month and he's working longer hours and I feel a bit overwhelmed but nothing more then that. It's true, I don't think I'm too worried or more worried about stuff then before. Who knows, what's important is that I deal with it and get back on plan now, not tomorrow, not Monday but now.

While all this was going on I had so much to write to you, I wish I had because a lot of it escapes me right now. I wish I would write when the feeling hits me but its usually at a time when I'm not at my desk or when I'm working.

That is it for now, I will be back, I just wanted to let you know where I've been and what I've been doing.

Sassle

Monday Weigh-In (Official) and Random Thoughts and Feelings

WEIGH IN...

Ok so I'm weighing in for the 2 challenges I belong to, once is Fabulous N Fit By Fall and the other is Get Fit AFTER 40. I am pleased with my results today I had hit 241 pounds on Saturday, I was surprised because I feared I would be stuck at 244 but once I started eating more I started to lose weight. I'm shocked and the logic behind it so escapes me to some degree that I even tell myself, now imagine if I ate less I'd have lost more weight.

Now, this is something that has been bothering me for a bit...

Two or so weeks ago I was eating under 1200 calories a day and working out and I was on a plateau. I have decided that losing 2 lbs a week is a good and fair amount and kind to my body, so I decided that I really wanted to know how much I should eat in order to obtain that goal. The website where I log in my food for the day is MyFitnessPal and they recommend I eat 1200 calories a day to lose 2 lbs a week. I did that and it didn't work. I then went to SparkPeople (I know I'm repeating myself here) and they recommended eating between 1200 to 1500 (sounds more logical) and then I went to the The Daily Plate who recommends 1709 calories a day. I also asked The Daily Plate how many calories should I eat to lose 2.5 pounds per week and that recommendation was 1459 calories.

This is all confusing to me. Now to make matters worse I looked up my BMR (which I have no idea how BMR works) it varies depending on the site from 1802.05 to 2227 now the whole BMR and calories to lose weight connection escapes me, I need it explained to me in laymen turns real slow please.

Now if I go by my own logic (uh oh) I've been eating between 1200 and 1600 calories a day and I'm losing weight so if it ain't broke don't fix it. Why is there too much information on this. Oh because it's the Internet right?

I think I'm so obsessed about counting the right amount of calories that I'm forgetting that whatever it is that I'm doing is working.

I finally bought myself a real tape measure and I have to say the amounts I originally took were just not accurate enough. I used hubby's work tape measure, you know the stiff ones and I see the difference now that I have a real one. Plus I don't hold in my gut when I measure (I think I used to instinctively) so the numbers are quite shocking.

FEELINGS AND SUCH...

Hubby says I'm my own worse enemy, he says I must suffer emotionally a lot because of that inner voice inside me (the ego) that puts me down, i.e. I don't like my teeth, I have dark circles under my eyes, my pores are huge, bad hair day, I'm fat, I have a double chin, I'm this and I'm that. He says to stop it, he won't allow me to put down his wife in front of him anymore.

You know what it is? I think my faults are soooo obvious that if I mention them first nobody else can call me on it. Nobody else can dare tell me how ugly my teeth are or why do I look so darn tired. I've beat them to the punch.

I think in my defense I haven't been taking my PMS vitamins which always help, I hate pills so I stopped taking them (bad Sassle) and I'm reaping the rewards (there I just took them). Yuk!

This is still no excuse to be so hard on myself, I must remember, God does not make junk. I am beautiful, smart, creative and I've lost 58 pounds for Pete's sake!!

THIS WEEKS GOALS...

To exercise at least 4 times this week in the form of cardio
To do strength training at least 3 times this week
To be kind, loving and gentle with myself
To take my PMS vitamins
To eat between 1200 and 1600 calories a day (or until someone tells me the right amount)
To spend more loving time with my hubby
To have a clean home
To be up to date in my work
To spend more quality time with puppy girl
To spend more quality time with kitty cats
To pray and meditate daily
To LET GO AND LET GOD

Thanks for stopping by!

Sassle

Well when you put it that way!

So I've been visiting some blogs and I run across Scale Junkie's post about pounds loss about how much weight we've lost since when; our biggest weight, our weight on diet day 1, year 2008 or whichever day you choose. My response was I consider the day of this diet/eating plan day one and I took the weight from that date and that's my starting date yada yada (got that from reading Hanlie's post.) But then I started to think... (uh oh) what weight was I at when I started gaining weight and that magic number was 128 pounds. So that means I gained 171 pounds over 3 years, goodness who does that?! This photo is of me when I weighed 165 and I thought I was fat in October 2005 (I was shallow and insecure what can I say), this is what I want to weigh again, this is what I want to look like again. It's just that it caught me off guard that I gained 171 pounds in 3.5 years, heck if I gained that weight in 5 years it would still be too much. I never put it into perspective that I was killing myself that way, that's alot of weight and I realized I ate those three years like I drank alcohol for 21 years before I got sober. Now if I look at it this way, 56 pounds lost so far (Yay!), my next goal is to lose 44 pounds and from there I'll only have 34 pounds left to lose. Should I choose to look at it as I have to lose 171 pounds I'd run away and probably give up for life. I find setting these small challenges is what's keeping me on this way of eating (what do I call it, a diet, lifestyle, eating plan) and I'm proud of the accomplishments I've had so far but I have to say that number just floored me. It's all good now, I'm over it because of my little goals set. This is the closest I've weighed to 200 in 3.5 years so that means I'm doing well. All's good, phew!

Thanks for coming by!

Sassle

My Aha Moment

So today I weighed myself, now you must understand I've been on the canned chili diet since Tuesday (or was it Monday must check my online food diary) and each time I eat chili I am full with a capital F. When I'm full I feel bad, I feel like a bad girl, surely I must have done something wrong because my tummy feels full and that's not a regular state to be in when you are losing weight right? Wrong I think.

This is where I'm going with this, a few weeks ago I was at 249 and thrilled to pieces over it because I was in the 240's which hasn't happened since I gained weight 3+ years ago. Suddenly I got a stomach flu and didn't eat for one day, the next day I had dropped 4 pounds, wow that's cool but I was sick and figured that the moment I ate an apple the 4 pounds would come back. The next day I had an event and I still wasn't feeling well but I had a headache so I ate some food at this convention, none of the food was healthy but I ate in moderation. The Sunday I weighed myself fully expecting a gain and nope still 245 lbs I thought ok it's just a matter of time before my body goes back up.

The weight gain didn't go back up (not for a few weeks) my body had felt comfortable at 245 and even went down to 244, then I had the cheese and cracker attack and I went up to 248, so (stay with me here) today after my chili binge of the last few days I was expecting a gain, but no, I went down to 244 from 245 so I'm back to where I was Saturday morning before the cheese/cracker binge.

So I'm thinking WTF? how can I eat portions of chili and still lose weight? I'll now tell you what I think : ) I think when I hit 244 I was eating under 1000 calories a day trying to jar a bigger weight loss and I was working out too, but my body thought WTF is she doing? Is she starving us? So it held onto everything and the scale wouldn't budge. So when I had my cheese/cracker binge I remember thinking well this will shock my body and maybe it'll release some of those pounds eh wrong buffalo breath I gained weight, however, this week I've been eating between 1200 to 1500 calories and I lost everything I gained.

So what's the moral of the story? I'm not sure, I find being accountable for my food on my online diary has helped me immensely. I'm learning not to be so hard on myself but I confess I must constantly remind myself to be gentle and that being full is not a sin and being full does not equal weight gain but by writing down every morsel that goes into my body I can logically see how many calories I have eaten so therefore I won't gain 5 pounds overnight because I only had 1300 calories the day before. If I didn't write things down I'd cause myself stress, guilt and worry so this way works for me for now.

I apologize for being all over the place with this post, it seemed clear in my head, I had an AHA moment and it's too hard to really put into words.

I love the way I feel lately where my diet/eating plan/way of life is concerned because I feel like I'm growing up and I have a better chance at keeping the weight off this time because I'm learning who I am and what my triggers are. Continued emotional growth will take me far.

Thanks for coming by my friends!

Sassle

Ok sorta back to normal

I got back down to 245 this morning and in spite of myself I was thrilled to be back down even though mentally I was prepared for 248 so it was a nice surprise. What I'm most proud of is the fact that even though I overindulged in cheese, crackers and bologna, I resisted cake and I didn't go on an all out binge. That's something to be proud of and the fact that I'm still on this weight loss journey. I think part of what helped is that I refuse to go backwards on this path, I didn't lose 54 pounds so that I could gain it back, however, I can only live one day at a time so I'll do my best towards myself today.

I just ate some chili, no that's a lie, I ate 2 cups of Hormel chili with beans for a total of 520 calories. Goodness chili is my drug of choice (next to strawberries) I can't just eat a little of the stuff its got to be in big portions. I entered my food for the day including the 2 cups of chili and for dinner I am making a Tyson Slow Cooker Creations Beef Roast with vegetables (can't find a link) which has 200 calories and 7 grams of fat and when all is said and done I will have eaten 1300 calories. That's nothing really so why do I feel guilty, its because I'm full from eating 2 cups of chili is why. Now before I continue on the guilt path I have something more important to mention; the sodium in this chili is sky high so I have to finish my pop and drink at least 4 bottles of water today to get rid of the salt in my system (bad Sassle). I can't help it, really I can't LOL. I must not allow chili in this house but then again perhaps having 2 cups was much but I'm still staying in my allotted calories for the day and that's including the pudding/whip cream and strawberries I'll have for dessert. When all is said and done I'm doing OK so no punishment for Sassle today.




That's all for now and thanks for your comments and your visits, you make each day all the more special for me.

Sassle

Uh Oh!

What have I done? I want to laugh but I can't really laugh but I can't really punish myself either since I believe the more I hate on myself the more damage I do to my psyche as well as my emotional and physical selves.

Saturday I had a Mary Kay party with my friends and all went well, I got some goodies for free that will make me look younger ;) and well I gained 4 pounds from the event too. I didn't eat any desert not one bite, I ate about 50 strawberries (no exaggeration here I'm hooked on strawberries) and a ton of crackers with bologna. The sodium alone in what I ate is probably what my downfall is, all this water retention, I feel bloated, I feel bad because I overate but I won't punish myself. I will just continue onto the road I have thus far and count my calories, eat healthy and exercise. These 4 pounds will be gone by next week or the week after with extra weight off, of that I'm sure.

This is where I'm starting to feel grown up because I'm not hating on myself, I am my worse enemy and I have to change that which I am slowly but surely and always progress. I credit AA with that, they have taught me so much about finding who I am, seeing what makes me tick, being open minded towards myself and others.

So instead of 55 pounds loss I'm down 51 pounds but that's OK, I still love me and will continue down the weight loss road.

Thanks for stopping by

My Gift to Myself and an NSV!

On Friday of last week one of my good friends and I went to get our noses pierced. This is something I've wanted to do for years and I felt losing 55 pounds was sufficient enough reason to warrant the treat. I woke up Friday with a terrible headache, I think its because the last week or so I was eating too little and my head rebelled. My friend suggested I have a real "coke" and I did, it worked I think I was probably suffering from low blood sugar and the "coke" did the trick. We went to this great tattoo piercing parlor not far from home and my friend wanted to go first so I got to watch, bad idea LOL I should have gone first because watching the process was making me feel faint and nervous but alas I did go next and I love the final result.

Which brings me to my NSV I took some pictures while we were there and texted it to my stepdaughter and she said I looked cute and my face had gotten smaller so the photo on the left is me on Friday afte the piercing and the photo below a before pic of me at 299 pounds.

me @ 299#

This pic was taken after Xmas so its definitely a before shot of my face LOL we've already seen the body shots. So I am pleased as pie about the nose piercing and the noticeable difference (in my opinion) in my face. Plus people keep telling me my face has shrunk so I'm going to start believing them. It's amazing how hard it is for me to believe people when they compliment me. I need to work on my self-esteem but I'm guessing that's what I'm doing right now by posting these pictures.

That's it for now! Thanks for coming by!